State of Judging - Burnt, OUT!

I should take a moment to make apologies to some people. I've been pretty weird at the moment. Honestly I'm not doing to well mentally right now. I'm angry, disappointed and have rage with regards Magic these days. This is down to a few things where mostly I don't feel it's my fault actually but have places blame on myself for over a year now. Judging wise I'm struggling massively, hugely, insanely and being the extroverted tit that I am I find it harder to tell something properly than try and clear my thoughts thought something like Facebook. I've had my own confidence shaken up by review, by feedback and by actions, confidence in the fact I'm not able to be who I want to be (who I used to be) as a judge. When things are running well, when heroes are around me to pick up me and collaborate with me I am proud of being a judge, proud of what I can contribute. My european friends in Judging and a good deal of UKISA judges are absolutely incredible as judges and people who support and inspire. The proof of this is in Exemplar (oh wait no sorry, I'm somehow in the secret society of XP judges which is why I got my nominations... Oh no wait... SCREW YOU... I got those nominations because actually I put myself out there, got over doubts with phenominal support and was given a space to shine and go above any beyond) You cretinous who don't see the Exemplar for what it is and have the audacity to think that nominations are given as part of a elite club are the most bitter, twisted folk going. So what does it look like when things aren't running well? You may have noticed the tail end of what's written above is the start of it. It's the crippling doubt, it's the building up of hatred as I see things like UKISA feud and bicker. It's when I get bullshit feedback from judges who were bone idle at Copenhagen who like to run to an L3 to 'feedback' (should probs read to bitch about me) because they have the audacity to say I look bored when I'm running around cleaning up player areas and actively looking for things to do... While they seem to be at peace doing mostly nothing, not clearly communicating to me what the organisation looks like and blaming me for the fact I don't know regardless of the fact I asked multiple times for a run-down of what to do. You know what, GP London was great, it was intense but I worked with LEADERS and MENTORS, people who could recognise natural strengths and use them. at Copenhagen I got lucky day one to work with good folk. Day 2 I probably the worst leadership since I worked at Cineworld. (and that's saying something) When I get reviews saying I need to brush up in areas, areas which are paining point to me, written by someone who really cannot throw stones in this area, but is hallowed, completely fucking hallowed in the community. Except I feel like I've been hit with a tonne of mind games is all. Hell I can't even play magic in my own neighbourhood because I'm such a grudgebearing imbecile I can't forgive one place for lying to me about the scarcity of a product (Zendikar holiday boxes, apparently were rare and like gold dust, except they were online everywhere and in the nearby other shop) and the other place has told me I'm a negative influence but is not able to give examples of this. Oh and I'm not started on the EGO side of things yet, the swelling EGO of some hypocrites holding powerful ranks in the program is enough to make me vomit over and over again. Literally saying things like "do not use your phone during this day or I will revoke payment" and then using their phone and interrupting someone at more or less EVERY point is my idea of fresh crapola. So yea. By writing this I'm setting fire to my chances of making Level 2, at this rate I just want to see my commitment to CFB for the year through and then make a decision as to whether L1 is right for me (unless by writing this post someone else is going to make that decision for me) Yeah I'm probably depressed, infact I know I am, the habits I've developed in the last month tell me exactly I'm in a low place right now. But here's the thing, what was once a phenominal program for me and the epicenter of human genius paired up with self development at it's core. Is now a breeding ground of literal ego farmers and bitterness. Someone drunk told me this is such a political game. That person is one of the best people in Magic right now if I'm honest. Yet most judges seem to carry a lot of bad words about him behind his back. Y'all need to watch biting the hand that feeds you. I only feel bad because I wanted to be so good for the program, I wanted leadership, I wanted to mentor and help making the Judge Program stay amazing for the next decade or two. The reality is, that job isn't one I can do, not with the toxicity of the program as high as it is. I only hope more decent, hardworking and for the best part positive judges don't go down the same route I'm going. :(

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